I’m not real big and I’m not real small

When I make a mistake, like saying something hurtful to a friend, I can feel like the weakest person. I blame myself for being so insensitive. As I reflect on the incident, it can grow into a more and more significant sin that I want to hide from him because of my shame. As I let my imagination spiral, I worry that I have lost a friend because of my mistake. In the process, I lead myself into feeling bigger than I really am. I think my friends are looking over my shoulder because I imagine I am so important.

On the other hand, at times I don’t feel that people notice me. I’m invisible and I can’t be worthy of anyone’s time. As I try to get noticed, I can act out in ways that aren’t very spiritual. My insecurity leads me to need to get attention and have people see me. Alternatively, I may feel unloved and unlovable. In my subconscious, I wonder why I am so worthless and that I will never be good enough.

Both of these extreme have the same antidote of humility. In humility, I have a more balanced view of myself. Rather than think that my ever action is being watched, I can realize that I’m no important than anyone else. As I let people come and go and I feel as a part of their society, I realize that, while I should do my best, I am only human and thus will make mistakes. They are not the worst mistakes anyone has ever made. Similarly, I’m just as worthy as my neighbor. People do care about me and they do see me as a person worth caring about. As I see myself in a more accurate light, I have less to worry about and less to feel sorrowful over.

W. Wayne B.

© 2012 W. Wayne B.

Follow me on Twitter: @williamwayneb

About William Wayne Smith

I'm a poet, library fan and maker.
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